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crocodilemom3

MIL (mid-50s, in good health) has stated many times that she only wants to “have fun” with my LO (preschool age). To her, this means she won’t babysit unless it’s an emergency. When she comes over, she expects the whole family to gather and entertain her and makes a fuss if we try to use the time to do household chores . In the past, she has wanted to do family outings like going to the zoo, overnight trips, etc. We have to pick her up, we go to the activity together, then we have to drop her off right away on the way home because she’s “exhausted” and wants to order takeout and watch Netflix all night. One time, when we refused to pick her up, she hopped out of the car before it was even in park and hopped into her car without even an offer to stay with LO until we had unloaded the car. This year, since we have a new baby, DH has started to say no and decline her suggested outings because WE are the exhausted ones. It’s just too much for us. If she would help us get out the door or stay for a few hours after so we could unload the car and make dinner, we could make it work, but we know she will not be willing to do that. Are we the AH here?

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bc7456

No and I’d just frame the decline in reality. “Hey mil since you only want to have fun with lo that limits the opportunities you’ll have. We aren available to make plans for fun right now “. Rinse and repeat. It’s also ok to say no and let her know ahead you won’t be picking her up etc. she can then decline if she desires

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crocodilemom3

@bc7456,

thanks for the suggestion!

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Grace-full-mama

It sounds like there might be mismatched expectations on all sides. It’s totally understandable you don’t want to do trips to theme parks & museums or things 90 mins away with a toddler and a baby, long drives are tricky with an infant with naps & feeds & babies hating car rides. And the destination needs to appeal to very young children and to you as parents. Maybe you can make a list of a few outings you’re comfortable with and she has to choose from those or no outings? Also, just say there’s no space to pick her up with two car seats and the strollers and kids nappy bags etc. We have a 3 yo and a baby and there is literally no room for another person in our SUV.

As to visits, with a new baby in the house it’s hard to sit and entertain anyone, nor should you have to. Does she let you know when she’s coming? I’d get your husband to give her a heads up each time - the baby will need to go for a nap at X time, we have a few things to do so can chat for 20 mins then you’re welcome to stay and chat/play with us/toddler while we get bits & pieces done etc.

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crocodilemom3

@Grace-full-mama,

you are right, I had forgotten about the car situation! I am the only one who can squeeze in between the car seats and it’s not comfortable for long. Great point.

She usually gives us a ballpark time, “1130ish”. I think we will have to start doing this.

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ohmother20

shoot I’d be thankful if my in laws were like this �� let her be the grandmother! She’s allowed to want to be the fun one. She did her time.

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Assd

is she aware it is painful for you? Maybe she does not know that 90 mins drive is big deal or the museum with baby and toddler is a a so so idea?
Just tell her this when she offers it next time and propose her to join your local zoo or playground outing or whatever you would like to do. And everyone are happy.

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crocodilemom3

@Assd,

I always assumed it was common sense haha. You are right, maybe next time we will invite her on a reasonable outing.

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vccds

There’s a lot of middle ground to be found here, and it’s also going to get easier with time. My kids are 4.5 and 1.5, and I’ve found it to be so much easier to go on outings with a 1 year old than with a baby!

But for the time being, maybe you can respect her boundaries of not wanting to babysit while giving her choices of activities that are lower stress for you. For example, invite her over for just an hour, not the whole day. Or go to your local park or something within a short drive, rather than 90 minutes away. And also think about how often you can see her. We see my in laws once a week usually, which works for all of us.

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crocodilemom3

@vccds,

thanks for your advice! I really needed the reminder that it will get easier as the baby gets older.

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no youre not the AH for declining.. shes also not the AH for being that way. she just has to learn to deal with the outcome of her preference

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lilbean11

Ultimately your MIL doesn’t really owe you any sort of house work help or help that you haven’t directly asked for agreed on. You’re both putting expectations on her and getting mad she’s not reaching them without even communicating what you expect.

She’s been very clear on how she wants to be a grandmother which is kinda good because it lets you know the boundaries. She’s raised her kids she has no interest in raising any one else’s and that’s fair cause *** it’s exhausting.

I understand help WOULD be nice but if you know she won’t stick around pre plan to make it easier and just need to accept who she is and where she stands.

The fact she WANTS to spend time with you all is great! And honestly there’s nothing wrong with wanting to go home and veg out after a family day…. Is it jealousy? That she can and you can’t just knock off once home? So you’re thinking well she should help us!? Completely disregarded the family time that she came up with? I dunno I get why you’re annoyed but I don’t think it warrants no more outings? I’ve never ever expected my MIL to help cook pack the car up etc after going out she’d look at me like I was crazy cause she’s old and she gets pretty frazzled in the evenings and I respect that..

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natizzle

@FE-Prevatt,

exactly. My parents are generation X so the same age as her in law in their 50s. They are both still working, not near retirement at least for another decade. When I was a kid, only on my dad‘s income we were able to have a stay at home mom for a while with two cars, after school, extracurricular activities, our dad home for dinner every day working a blue-collar job. My husband and I are both educated in college, working white-collar jobs and my dad by himself makes the same amount that we make together after working 30 years for the same company. My mother had to go back to work after the recession and my father had to pick up a second job to keep our heads out of the water. My grandparents were in another state and another country then. even though they came to visit once a month every month without fail, my parents were largely alone. Still, they had the money to pay for whatever supplemental support they needed. This is not the world that we are living in today. my parents were both raised by their grandparents because their parents had to leave them in order to work, but how would that be possible in this day and age, if both my parents are a decade away from retirement and still working full-time just as I am? People want the village, but they don’t do what it takes to live in a country where we have family as priority, parental leaves, equitable, and fair vacations, etc. I’m not saying I know what the answer is or what the solution is, but this country is about all work, no play and it’s getting worse as the years pass. It takes an extraordinary effort to prioritize, your family, and yourself these days with the amount of work that is on our shoulders. Old people deserve to hang their boots up. They have done the time and deserve the reward. However they think they should have it. Should they be more compassionate? Should we all work together to ensure a better future for people who come after us, both young and old, Schurr I think so but unfortunately, that is not the ideal for everybody and I don’t think that choosing to enjoy the second half of your life, however you see fit is a wrong answer without consequences.

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ijustcantthinkofagoodsn

Do things you actually want to do with her. If you have a problem picking her up and dropping her off, don’t do it. But I can’t imagine expecting a grandparent to help to “earn” an outing with us, which is what this sounds like to me. Our parents are similar in that they’re not really babysitting or doing any heavy lifting but they enjoy doing dinners with us or going on outings. I won’t pick them up/drop them off for these outings though. We’re all adults responsible for ourselves.

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j226smith

Grandma is entitled to not want to help around the house or babysit. But that’s not what I’m seeing here. It’s not fhat grandma doesn’t want to help - she wants to create more work. I’d stop the outings entirely for now - you have to little little kids and it’s to much. And then I’d set the biundary that she drives herself and meets you at these outings.

Her visits to the house sound wild to me. There’s a huge difference between not wanting to babysit and not being will ing to visit with and play with your preschool age grandchild while their mother uses the bathroom, switches the laundry cycle , etc etc. and the later would irritate the crud out of me and I would really limit visits because of it. I’m not sitting and formally entertaining anyone at this stage of my life. It sounds in your comments like this happens on outings too where you mention she can’t stay with grandkids while someone uses the bathroom. That’s not not babysitting it’s being an obtrusive pain in the butt. Like yes you can take both kids to the bathroom on your own I’m sure you have - but there’s another freaking adult right there? I went on one trip to the zoo this way with a relative when my kids were really small. Three kids under 7. The 6 year old had to use the bathroom at the same time as said relative while I was getting lunch out and passed around and I asked if relative could take six year old with them - as we were right around the corner from the bathroom, and I still have never forgotten that they freaked out and refused cause they aren’t babysitters. Yes I could pack up the food again and all the kids and take everyone but really?

Same for your mil here - it’s fine she doesn’t want to babysit , do chores etc. but there’s a huge difference in not babysitting and not helping when she’s right there or adding more work. Mil sounds like the second one - and as such is just decline the outings and limit visits. She’s allowed to make those choices , you’re allowed to say well your visits are exhausting and we don’t have time for that more often

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crocodilemom3

@j226smith,

I do feel that she creates more work and then it’s even more exhausting because she starts arguments about how we didn’t offer her a drink or a meal or go to the theme park like she wants. But she’s exhausting and annoying. Btw, just to clarify, I have no expectation that she helps with housework.

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AlloBebe

@j226smith,

I also see MIL as a pain in the butt and high maintenance. I am quite surprised by the posters here, just because you state your boundaries out loud doesn’t mean you are not the arsehole, especially if it creates more work for your own kids.

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Grace-full-mama

@j226smith,

this is really well said.

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meriadocbb

I can see the annoyance. You want her to at the very least meet you halfway instead of leaving you guys with the emotional labour of planning everything and hosting every aspect of trips and visits.

You’re not AHs for wanting to set your boundaries with visits. They can be exhausting when you’re constantly expected to host. It doesn’t make you the AHs to set your own terms with visits for her to meet. She can make the effort to host at least half the times or entertain herself when you guys are busy.

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crocodilemom3

@meriadocbb,

yes, or at least be understanding when we say, “Sorry, MIL, we don’t want a full day trip right now.” The weird thing is that on the occasions she invites us to her house, she does not formally host or entertain us. I don’t get it.

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